Post by tommythetommy on Jun 17, 2006 0:50:21 GMT -5
G'Day
This is the first ICW card I've read, so my comments will be more general rather than specific to your current storylines.
Also, just an idea - maybe make a new forum account with something other than 'ICW' as your name, like... a name? It's just weird to say 'Hey ICW, I loved your... ICW Card'. Also helpful if you ever want to make a new series.
Your match writing style is solid, has just the right amount of detail. I think it's a little too detatched, however. I've always found the best writing styles are the ones where the descriptions provide some emotion. Take this bit for example.
Like, that's a pretty wicked spot, and it led directly to the win. Throwing in some capital letters, adding a bit of drama to RVD's reaching for the case with some line breaks and some ...'s, even just elaborating a bit more on Edge's fall would have made the high spot stand out more. As it is, a reader could just skim right past the most dramatic part of your match without noticing, and that's not cool.
Obviously the message board is a little restrictive in terms of formatting - cards aren't going to look as sexy as they did at Book, but I think you should do more to seperate your segments. Like, long breaks between matches and backstage segments, centred titles in a larger font saying the match participants and things like that. Even pictures if you want to take it to the next level. Like with your match writing, you have a good foundation but you need to draw more attention to what you're writing.
Your backstage bits aren't of the same quality as your match writing. To be honest, a lot of what the commentators and the workers are saying in your angles sounds pretty cliche. Things like this
King: Hello everyone and I have the privilege standing next to The Co-Rumble Winner, Test! (Cheers from the crowd.) Test coming up next, you team with Raven to take on Kane. What are your thoughts about tonight’s match up?
They just don't sound like something the King, or any real person for that matter would say. It's very by-the-numbers and it just distances the reader. Your Raven promo was ok, but it needed more.
I'd say you definitely need to elaborate more, especially in promos and angles. Listen to a Raven interview, or a main-event promo in the WWE. Look how long angle segments go for in the WWE. Those things go forever. If you want a fantasy booking example, look at promos in Tenn or Scorpion's Den or even my cards. Looonnngg promos, angles with lots of build and lots of talking. Again, it's a case of you having a good base to work with but needing to do way more with it.
As for specific story stuff - I dig it. Lots of good talent like Edge, RVD, Helms and Kane. I like DiBiase as the authority figure (don't really get why you need the ultra-charismatic Todd Gordon though?), and Stephanie as his assistant could go places if you put her in conflict with DiBiase?
As I said in a previous post, I'm a mark for crazy angles with Kane/Taker/Ministry/Whatever, so I dug the close. But I wanted MOORREEE! When a lightning bolt hits the ring, I want JR to SCREAM! I want Styles to say OH MY GOD~!, I want more than 'This has to stop...' and 'This is getting out of hand.'!
So yeah, just sell everything way more, write more and more and then write some more, and change your formatting around, and you'll have a really solid series. Good stuff.
This is the first ICW card I've read, so my comments will be more general rather than specific to your current storylines.
Also, just an idea - maybe make a new forum account with something other than 'ICW' as your name, like... a name? It's just weird to say 'Hey ICW, I loved your... ICW Card'. Also helpful if you ever want to make a new series.
Your match writing style is solid, has just the right amount of detail. I think it's a little too detatched, however. I've always found the best writing styles are the ones where the descriptions provide some emotion. Take this bit for example.
He gets the very top when Van Dam leaps to his feet and with every bit of energy he has knocks over the ladder and Copeland falls over the top rope and onto the ringside floor! Van Dam then picks up the ladder and sets it up underneath the briefcase. Van Dam climbs the ladder and pulls down the brief case and the ref orders for the bell to ring!
Like, that's a pretty wicked spot, and it led directly to the win. Throwing in some capital letters, adding a bit of drama to RVD's reaching for the case with some line breaks and some ...'s, even just elaborating a bit more on Edge's fall would have made the high spot stand out more. As it is, a reader could just skim right past the most dramatic part of your match without noticing, and that's not cool.
Obviously the message board is a little restrictive in terms of formatting - cards aren't going to look as sexy as they did at Book, but I think you should do more to seperate your segments. Like, long breaks between matches and backstage segments, centred titles in a larger font saying the match participants and things like that. Even pictures if you want to take it to the next level. Like with your match writing, you have a good foundation but you need to draw more attention to what you're writing.
Your backstage bits aren't of the same quality as your match writing. To be honest, a lot of what the commentators and the workers are saying in your angles sounds pretty cliche. Things like this
King: Hello everyone and I have the privilege standing next to The Co-Rumble Winner, Test! (Cheers from the crowd.) Test coming up next, you team with Raven to take on Kane. What are your thoughts about tonight’s match up?
They just don't sound like something the King, or any real person for that matter would say. It's very by-the-numbers and it just distances the reader. Your Raven promo was ok, but it needed more.
I'd say you definitely need to elaborate more, especially in promos and angles. Listen to a Raven interview, or a main-event promo in the WWE. Look how long angle segments go for in the WWE. Those things go forever. If you want a fantasy booking example, look at promos in Tenn or Scorpion's Den or even my cards. Looonnngg promos, angles with lots of build and lots of talking. Again, it's a case of you having a good base to work with but needing to do way more with it.
As for specific story stuff - I dig it. Lots of good talent like Edge, RVD, Helms and Kane. I like DiBiase as the authority figure (don't really get why you need the ultra-charismatic Todd Gordon though?), and Stephanie as his assistant could go places if you put her in conflict with DiBiase?
As I said in a previous post, I'm a mark for crazy angles with Kane/Taker/Ministry/Whatever, so I dug the close. But I wanted MOORREEE! When a lightning bolt hits the ring, I want JR to SCREAM! I want Styles to say OH MY GOD~!, I want more than 'This has to stop...' and 'This is getting out of hand.'!
So yeah, just sell everything way more, write more and more and then write some more, and change your formatting around, and you'll have a really solid series. Good stuff.